Crosswalk Confessional

So like…I absolutely enjoy my job and stuff.

It’s kinda weird because at any given time during my workday I will look like I’m ready to have a nervous breakdown and to burst into tears, but yeah I love it! Anxiety is fun!!! So for those of you who don’t know what I actually do for a living…well that makes two of us because I don’t know what I’m doing about 90% of the time. But if I had to put a title to it, I’m a Paraeducator. Whats that big fancy word mean you ask? Well…it’s a super awesome way to say I’m…well I’m basically the help inside the school. Y’know those adults you would see around your school growing up that everyone knew but they weren’t teachers so nobody actually knew what the heck the purpose of them being there was?

Yeah, that’s me!

I’ve been doing it for about three years now and my experience has been…well it’s been as fun as hanging with all of y’all’s children all day can be. Funny thing is I went into it thinking I would absolutely hate it…however we needed a second form of income and I would rather die then go work for the company that makes “ten-inch-foot-long-edible-pieces-of-cardboard-being-passed-off-as-sandwiches” (not thinking of any place in particular of course).

So it was that a friend of my mother-in-law said that the school district was hiring for Paraeducator…like desperately. I had a few warning lights going off in my head: why was there a desperate need of paras? Do I like working with other people’s kids? What if one of the kids turns out to be the anti-Christ and targets me as their first victim of the apocalypse? Y’know, the normal stuff.

But I gave it a shot! I got the job pretty darn quickly, met the nicest person ever as my higher up who I still greatly admire to this day (A.S., if you are reading this, know that I am talking about you without trying to name drop ya to all 5 of my subscribers), and proceeded to love it with all of my heart. Like I said at the beginning, it is the most exhausting and stress inducing thing I have ever done, but by golly is it fun. I basically get paid to be the cool kid at school all day. Yeah I got actual work to do like tutoring, helping in classrooms, ensuring each child leaves the campus with the same amount of limbs that they came in with, but that stuff is just the boring stuff! Nah I get kids running up to give me hugs, tell me about their favorite Pokémon, impress them when I tell them I still have my foil charizard card from when I was 8, do arts and crafts, and basically just have fun all day.

It’s like my job is being a kid! And I’m basically already a giant kid! My maturity peaked around fifth grade! I’M IN MY ELEMENT!!!

And the best part this year? I got transferred to my kids school! Yeah they’re pretty stoked…also my wife is stoked too because she doesn’t have to drop anyone off or pick them up. But it’s been pretty darn nice seeing my kids at my work. I thought it would be difficult or stressful knowing my spawn was running around telling people my style of parenting and shortcomings thereof, but it turns out they think it’s the coolest thing ever too…at least for now. I imagine being a massive embarrassment to my daughter when she’s in fourth grade and up (the prospects of which are extremely exciting for me).

And what new task did my new school give me?

Crosswalk duty.

Yeah I run traffic control.

Apparently the lovely lady who did it for years moved away so I was chosen to replace her…mostly because nobody wants to do it. But my children think it’s the coolest thing ever! Their daddy controls the traffic! He’s like the crosswalk-sauce-boss! They brag about it to all of their friends! Pretty sure this is how my kids describe me:

Wheeeeeeeen in reality this is me everyday:

Every time…

It’s a stressful job though! Like no wonder why nobody wanted to do it! I don’t even want to do it! But by golly everyone loves that I do it (plus my wife loves a man in a bright-reflective-neon-yellow uniform). So I guess I’ll keep it up till they tire of my pointing and arm waving.

Oh! And this was posted on our school’s facebook page the other day!

Awwww shoot, ya see that folks? That’s a grade A compliment right there! chick-fil-A status! I’m basically a celebrity!

Anyways, when my kids are old enough to care about these posts and comics I make I just want you kiddies to know something: your daddy loves going to school with you. Seeing you in your classes playing and learning and having so much fun has made me the proudest daddy I’ve ever been. I’m so happy that my work lets me be closer to you.

Just don’t grow up too fast. I don’t want to work at a middle school…too soft for it.

Until next time,

Stay classy, stay safe, any, above all else,

Stay grumpy