Chapter 5 (part 2)
*Quick disclaimer. Sorry for not posting this on Monday like I normally do. It was my birthday weekend and my wife did something absolutely amazing for me which has had me very distracted for the last few days. More on that later. Also, something weird happened when I saved the first draft of this post and it like combined random words throughout it. I went through and tried to fix it, but I may have missed some. So sorry if things seem weird, but here’s the second part of chapter 5.*
Well, as promised, here we are.
There is no other way around it, there’s no stalling, there’s nothing to save you from it. Your little angel needs potty training. Gone are the days where you can put on disposable undergarments, let them soil it, throw it away and call it a day (that was almost poetic with that rhyme scheme!).Nope, it’s time for them to don the porcelain throne! Look, the idea of our kids being potty trained is, of course, WONDERFUL! If you can stop spending money on diapers or having to wash out those reusable diapers (which I’m not judging you if you do go this route…just questioning your lofe decisions) then that’s a load off your mind…and from your child’s pants (oh ho! See what I did there?!).
However, the actual process of getting our tiny tots there can range anywhere to “eh, I expected worse” to “*screams internally*.” You’d think it would be easy! I mean, your child just has to simply accept that it is time to stop soiling their under britches and “do their duty” in the potty. It seems so easy to grasp to us that it can be downright frustrating at times that our kids just don’t get it right away. However, let us keep in mind that these are the beings who also are logically afraid of cooked carrots. They are extremely illogical and have basically spent their entire life doing their business in one way. Now we want them to forget everything they know about the potty tango and do it differently. It’s frustrating, but we can’t forget how frustrating it must be to them as well.
The Grumpy Nerd Dad Tip #5: POTTY TRAINING IS HARD! Take A Deep Breath, Calm Down, And Be Patient.
So, for the most part, a lot of what goes into potty training is just patience and tranquility. Very rarely are your tots going to get it right away! It’s going to take a lot of trial and error, and I mean A LOT OF TRIAL AND ERROR. You’re going to be rinsing and repeating so many times it ain’t even funny. Just keep reminding yourself every time you feel your frustration meter rising: take a deep breath, calm down, and be patient. Say it repeatedly. Repeat it until you sound like the manic little psychopaths our children make us feel like. You losing your cool will only make things harder, and the LAST thing we want when delving into this territory is for things to get harder.
It’s frustrating, but don’t be frustrated.
So easy to say, so hard to practice. It’s like saying “hamburgers makes you hungry, but don’t get hungry.” But this is vital! If you choose to take only one bit of advice that I’m about to throw at you, it’s simply be patient! I will of course impart some of my gained knowledge with you, my grumpy legion, but overall the secret is patience. I may sound like a broken record at this point, but I just can’t stress it enough.
Oiuhj
That last line was courtesy of Rex running up and smacking the keyboard while I was making him lunch. I was going to delete it, but hey, now you all have a special message from my son. Enjoy!
Anyways, I am here to help you all with your training woes, so let’s dive into it. Here are some Grumpy Nerd Dad basics of potty training:
- Don’t compare your kids to others. Now, as you can probably imagine, every child is different. I’ve read stories where a kid picks up potty training like it was nothing. I’ve also read stories where the parents feel like their kid can’t go to kindergarten because they just haven’t gotten the hang of it. AND THAT’S OKAY! No matter how your little tike handles the great leap, they will get there eventually. Don’t fall into the trap of comparing your kid’s progress with others. Some just get things quicker than others. That doesn’t mean your kid is any less smart or special than little Suzy across the street who only potty trained for a week or something (curse you Suzy!). They will get there, don’t add more stress to the matter.
- Failures happen. This is not a punishable offense. Okay, I feel like this is silly, but I have heard stories of parents putting their child in timeout or other punishments when their child has an accident. Dudes, not cool. Unless your kid is deliberately doing it to spite you, they are not doing anything wrong when they have an accident! Heck, even if it feels like they’re doing it to spite you then just try to get over it anyways! Accidents are going to happen. They are going to wet themselves A LOT. Y’know what’s going to make this transition a heck more stressful for them? Adding stress! They have to worry about controlling their bowels for the first time in their lives, and now they’re getting punished when they don’t? That’s too much stress for a kid! That’ll only end in a huge step backwards and in tears. Don’t make it harder on yourself or your wee one. Try to keep cool when accidents happen and talk to them. “Hey little Timmy, we both know that you’re not supposed to wet your pants. It’s okay that you did, but how can we make it to the potty next time” goes a lot further than “Timmy…wtf.”
- Potty charts. I’ve already talked about eating charts on a previous chapter, so you might already know that I’m a fan of charts. They give the child a clear view of their goals and expectations and give them something to work for. Remember: our kids are the most irrational beings on the planet. I mean, my daughter threw a world ending tantrum today because I told her she had to wear her unicorn jacket instead of her dinosaur jacket due to the simple fact that the unicorn one is a rain jacket and it was pouring outside. Don’t try to think like them, it’ll make your head hurt. So, you can tell your kid a million times what their expectations are, and it’ll seem impossible in their brains. However, put it on something physical for them to see with lots of colors, shapes, fun characters, and whatever bells and whistles you can fit on the piece of construction paper and suddenly it’s all within their grasp! Now it’s a game! The one we used for Princess was a simple chart that had categories like “went pee pee,” or “went poo poo,” or “washed hands” yada yada with blanks next to them to put stickers. Once she filled a line with stickers, she was given a treat (nothing big mind you. We used like a single M&M mini per line she completed). She loved it and got super proud whenever she finished a line. It was one of my favorite things whenever my wife would come home, and Princess would run up to her momma yelling “MOMMA! I PEED TEN TIMES AND GOT CHOCOLATED!” Classic.
- Spare clothes. BRING-SOME-WITH-YOU-WHEREVER-YOU-GO!!!!!!!!!!!! Accidents will happen. Be prepared. Oh, and bring like a plastic Walmart bag or something to put the soiled clothes in so you don’t just have a bunch of pee pee pants next to your fruit snacks you brought for your kids.
- Potty camp. Okay, this one might be a tad bit of a long explanation. Princess got the concept of going number 1 in the potty quickly. She was a champ of the dry pants in no time! However, remember the toddler logic I mentioned above? Well, she was DEAD afraid of doing the great 2 in the potty.
She would sit there, do her initial order of business, but hold in the second with all her might. I kid you not, I’m talking about tears and tantrums and everything until we put her pullup back on. Then, within five minutes of course of doing so, she would poop her pants. No matter what we tried, she was just terrified of pooping in her potty. Well that’s where potty camp came in. What is potty camp? To put it lightly: It’s essentially saying “Okay, we are sitting here until you poop.” That’s it really. If your little one is having the same issue, you might want to consider this. Put the potty somewhere they are comfortable (if you are using a little potty. Please don’t uproot your entire bathroom for this), bring all their comfort items with them (stuffies, blankies, toys, whatever they need when they’re stressed), bring some of their favorite books, some music, even a movie they like if you allow your kids to have screen time. After that, put them on the potty and just wait. Read to them, play with them, eat snacks with them, do whatever it takes to keep them on the potty till the business is complete. Of course, you’ll need to stand them up and walk around after a few minutes as we do not want to develop what I so affectionately refer to as a “bum ring.” This may not initially yield progress. The first potty camp had my Princess sitting on the potty off and on for almost two hours until it was time to go pick up her momma from work. However, the second day was a complete success. She completed a touchdown in the correct endzone and has been doing such ever since which leads to the next tip. - Make a big deal. As over the top as you can muster. Whenever they do ANYTHING that is a shadow of what you want them to do, make it a big freaking deal. Clap, cheer, dance around, as positive as you can make it. Make them crave the attention they get whenever they meet any milestone. It’s a happy fun time! Go nuts!
- And finally, regressions happen. Nothing is perfect except Jesus and Wingstop, so don’t be frustrated when regressions happen. Sometimes our kiddos go long periods of doing awesome, then something happens and they have a bad week. My mother-in-law left for Scotland for a few weeks not too long ago, and for a solid week Princess was having trouble not going potty in her pants. Kids get stressed when their routine gets messed up. New school? New bedroom? New anything compared to the same old same old that they are used to? Don’t be surprised if there is regression. It doesn’t mean that they’re reverting to old habits or that it is time to panic. They could be stressed and need some support. Just take a deep breath, calm down, and be patient (see how this ties into everything?). Give them some encouraging words and remind them of their expectations. Try not to reprimand them even if they are doing it intentionally. Remember: if your child is doing something in order to receive negative attention, then reacting negatively is exactly what they want you to do. I am much better at preaching this than practicing it, but I can assure you that a gentle hand goes a lot further than a firm one.
Well that should just about wrap up this behemoth of a post. Can you imagine if I actually combined the first and second part like I originally intended? Would have been like…insane or something. Anyways, thanks for stopping by folks! I appreciate all the love you give me and look forward to sharing with y’all. So, until next time, you guys know the drill. Stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,
Stay grumpy.
The Grumpy Nerd Dad 