The Grumpy Nerd Dad Survival Guide Ch: 5 (part 1)

Chapter 5: Down In The Dumps (part 1)

Kids poop a lot.

Now that we got that settled, we can finally move on to this dreaded topic.

Look, we all knew this was coming. It’s impossible to have a blog that talks about parenting tips in harsh honesty without bringing up the Duke of Dookies. If you’re expecting your first little one, just starting, or playing with the idea of having a bouncing bundle of joy, it’s only fair to tell you that poop is going to be a major part of your life. It may seem silly and downright crass, but it is a concrete fact that parents just have to come to terms with. It’s kinda startling to some new parents just the sheer amount of diaper swapping you’ll have to do on a daily (and nightly, get ready for that) basis. So how about we just take a deep breath together real quick.

Ready?

Okay, breath deep.

In…

Out…

Now say it with me, “kids poop a lot.”

Feel better? Accepted this dark and dirty part of your life?

Good, then let’s talk about what we can do about it.  

First off, I’m going to be tackling both sides of the potty ordeal. On one hand, we have the babies and their care packages that they make for us with such love. On the other hand, we have the dreaded ordeal: POTTY TRAINING! I know, it’s scary. Sorry to say that without warning. Once you’ve collected yourself, feel free to keep reading. Both are things you’ll become very intimate with as you parent your little spawn and you’ll be an expert in no time. Doesn’t mean I can’t help you along the way.

Let’s start off with the, ahem, hands on approach. Babies love to poop. Not only do they love to poop, they love to do it when it’s most comically effective. Just got to sleep? It’s diaper changing time! Sat down to eat? Yup, diaper changing time! Just changed their diaper, put on their jammies, and put them in bed? Prime time for another diaper change! HECK! In the middle of changing your child’s diaper? Well be warned that the first one may have been a diversion and that a feint attack is on its way as you’re down there cleaning up the initial attack!

But that’s not all. Oh no. There is a horrible occurrence that strikes when you’re most vulnerable. It sneaks up while you’re snoozing in the middle of the night, before a long day at work, when you’re snuggling your ball of joy in your nice new shirt, or when you lay them down on the lovely clean sheets that you just barely washed. Ladies and gentlemen, we must discuss the dreaded ordeal known simply as “code brown.”

The Grumpy Nerd Dad Tip # 4: BEWARE THE CODE BROWN!!!

 A code brown is a sort of curse and blessing at the same time. It is horrible and soul rending when it happens, yet it strengthens your mental capacity and bonds you with your spouse if you survive it. What is a code brown you ask? Simply put: a code brown is when the diaper has had a containment breach. The dam has broken and the flood waters cometh! But this isn’t water we’re talking about folks, oh no. This is the stuff of languish and broken dreams exploding out of the corners of the diaper you put so much of your trust into. In fact, there were times that I straight up felt betrayed by the diaper! IT HAD ONE FREAKING JOB! And there are degrees to a code brown mind you! There’s the best case scenario where there is a structural failure at the leg holes and all you need is a quick clean up, new jammies, and possibly new sheets. Horrible, yet over in a few minutes. Then we have what is so lovingly referred to as a “blowout.” To paint this picture in as few words as possible, imagine up the back, down the legs, all over the place, fun for hours to come. If your spouse goes to change the child in the middle of the night and you hear the dreaded call, “honey, we have a code brown in section 1 alpha! Blowout status!!!” then it’s best to just cut your losses and buy a new house.

How do you handle a blowout? There is no nice way about it. Everything is covered, everything must either get cleaned or thrown out. This includes whatever stuffy they have, blankets, sheets, blinds, carpet, house, neighborhood, Earth, and baby (except please down throw out the baby as stinky as they might be). Buckle up, you got this. Dig deep, get everything cleaned, change your sweet yet stinky babbie, BUT DON’T’ LET YOUR GUARD DOWN! Remember the sneak attack I mentioned earlier! At times, my wife and I found that it was easier to just put the baby in the sink and literally hose them off clothes and all until we could safely remove a layer. Rinse, repeat, recycle.

Now, if you’re blessed with a regular stinky diaper, then that’s much easier. Some tips that I learned over the course of HUNDREDS of stinky packages:

1. Do not keep the diaper in the house! I lived with my sister and her family before meeting my wife, and they had one of those diaper genie thingies. Basically, it’s a trash can they kept by the crib that had a special lid that sealed off its contents from the rest of the house when you made your special delivery. Sounds great, right? Well, time and time again, what would end up happening would be that the dreaded day came when one of us had to empty the foul bin that had been festering for the past day or two. You open it, the smell is released upon your once peaceful home, and now you hate life. Oh, and you better believe that any trash bag you line it with is prone to tearing and any leaks therein are now inside the bin itself. If you opt this route, then empty the bin daily and not in your house! But an alternative that that wife and I did was keeping a separate trash bin outside of our home just for diapers. It needs a strong and secure lid on it because raccoon and birds see this as a glorious treasure chest of nourishment. Also, try to use the ultra tough liners, not whimpy thin bags.
2. Take it out immediately! I know, it’s 3 in the morning, you’re exhausted, you do NOT want to make the trip to dump the diaper at that very moment. You’re tempted to just leave it somewhere and handle it in the morning. BAD IDEA! Best case scenario: the entire room now smells like something fierce come morning. Worst case scenario: You completely forgot about it, found it a few days later, and now you have to burn your house down. Suck it up and go throw it away. You’ll thank yourself later.
3. Night diapers or double diapering are a thing. If you have a little one who is prone to blowouts like ours were, you might want to look into night diapers. They’re a tad bit more expensive than the regular, but they’re more absorbent, are better at containing the stuff of nighhtmares, and they even have a nice blue color to them! However, another trick we learned whenever we ran out of night diapers/couldn’t afford to buy a whole box right then and there was to double up on a regular diaper. It does help with absorption, but not so much with containment. Also, if you do this please beware: DO NOT DO THE SECOND DIAPER TOO TIGHT!!! Not only is this just mean to your baby, but the tighter it is, the more a blowout is encouraged as up the back is the path of least resistance when things get too cramped.
4. Bum cream, keep it stocked. Can you imagine having to sleep in your own business all night? I’m getting a rash just thinking about it. Your little ones are no exception. Bum paste was our favorite. Also, if a rash won’t go away and looks splotchy or kind of like dots, best go to the doctor to have them check it out.
5. Help each other out. This task is tough. No single parent is above getting their hands dirty (yes that line was deliberate). Whether you be the stay-at-home parent or the one who has to go to work, be nice and take one for the team from time to time. And if you are soloing it, God be with you my friend, you are a stronger person than I.

Well seeing how this has gone on way longer than I previously anticipated, I think it is best that I save the next section for a different time. That’s right, this chapter gets a sequal. A number two about number two if you catch my drift! Stay tuned for the second half of potty woes and I will have it up as soon as I can.

Thanks for stopping by, and let me know any tricks you picked up along the way down below. Thank you as always and stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,

Stay grumpy.