Arts and Crafts With The Grumpy Nerd Dad!

Ah quarantine, how you’ve really brought out our inner demons!

Listen, we are all coping with this in unique ways. Some people are using this isolation to further their education (not me), some are trying to become healthier (not me), some are trying to give a little back to make this crisis bearable (DEFINITELY not me). Then there are those of us who have no idea how to deal with this (ME!!!).

So we turn to the areas in our lives that we have pretty much no business going into in order to satisfy the nagging stress and boredom that is consuming every fiber of our being! You’d think I’d spend this time focusing on my writing as it is the thing I love to do and is what entertains the rest of you, but naaaaaaaah that would make too much sense. Why don’t I delve into the world of crafting?! Seems easy! I basically have zero skills when it comes to making things with my hands, but how hard could it be? Best part is that you all will get to embark on this journey with me step by step! You game? Of course you are, I dragged you along this far after all!

So let’s get artsy!!!

So let’s see here…er…what are we going to make….uh…shoot…

Anyone have any ideas?

…

Um.

I like nerd stuff I guess…

So…I should do something…nerdy?

Yes, brilliant idea, let’s make a nerdy work of art. After all, if my sister-in-law can make this amazing sidewalk chalk art

Then I should be able to pull it off.

How about…the eye of Sauron!!! He’s a pretty cool guy and stuff! Offers jobs to the downcast, promotes unity and industrialization, and really good at giving gifts from what I hear! He’d make a great president! Sauron 2020 baby!

Sooooo okay…I’m going to paint the eye of Sauron on this wooden…er…I don’t know what to call it, a knob thingy I found? Why you ask? THE CANVAS CHOOSES THE ARTIST, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! Now I hope you are taking notes, because I’m about to artsy this thing UP!!!

Oooookay first thing’s first: enraging the wife by getting paint on her table is a big no no! I repeat: DO NOT ENRAGE THE WIFE! So best to put down a layer between your gorgeous works such as a paper towel or a plate (please note, using your children’s pre-existing artwork as a tarp is not acceptable APPARENTLY).

Now you might be asking, “why Grumpy Nerd Dad, how so are we to paint this wooden knob in the visage of our great leader Sauron without getting our digits all painty like?” Well reader, simply put: er…good question my hands still have paint hiding in the crevices. However, I found if you prop it up a tad, it makes getting to those difficult bits a tad bit easier.

So now we are ready! Be sure to grab the biggest and most intimidating brush you have to start off with a fine coating of black paint:

Oooh wicked! Now the paint I am using is one of which I have found in the garage called…acrillox? Akrillinx? Pterodactyl? I don’t know, the crafty stuff! All I know is water color is a big mistake, REPEAT: STAY AWAY FROM WATER COLORS!

Okay, staying with me? Awesome, your black balls are looking so amazing! Next we get a slightly less intimidating brush to do our first layer of flames. Pretty much imagine the first brush being the captain of the football team and your next one being the nerd who is forced to do his homework and you’ll grab the right one. Anyways, do a gloopy layer of red in about the circumference you’ll want your eye to be.

Now the red I used is called fiery red so chosen because like…I’m trying to make a fiery eye and stuff but feel free to experiment with your own shade of red!

Now ideally you should wait for your first layer to dry before delving into the next layer…BUT WAITING IS FOR SQUARES SO LET’S GET IN THERE! Next brush you’ll need is a…er…the heck do I call this…you’re going to want to go for the brush that looks like Ruh Paul’s eye lashes.

Perfect!

Now gloop on some…marigold? The heck is a marigold? Why can’t it just say yellow like a normal functioning member of society? Anyways, grab your marigold paint and apply the next layer with your Ruh Paul brush (pro tip: make sure your brush is disgusting and caked in old projects as it will add some nice scratch like looks to your strokes).

Oh it’s looking lovely my grumps, I am proud of each one of you!

Okay, grab your Ruh Paul brush and dip it in some…sunshine orange? The heck people? Who comes up with these names?! Ok, sure, “sunshine orange” and add some light scratches to your wet and totally professional looking eye .

Ok, we are going to need nerdy brush for the actual eye bit. So wash him off and give him the confidence boost he needs so he can paint the best black cat eye thing your carpal tunnel ridden hand can muster.

Oh snap that looks spooky! Also you can see the Grumpy Nerd left leg and the Grumpy Nerd right foot in that picture, so points for a cameo to me!!!

So now we want to try and scratch some of that wet and moist (your welcome) black paint into the fiery bits to make it look cool and stuff. So grab a brush that sort of resembles the brush Spongebob uses when he’s painting Mr. Crab’s house. Y’know, the one made with a single one of his nose hairs.

That’s the ticket! Now scratch the living heck out of it!

Just look at how far we’ve come! Now comes the crucial part where you realize that this looks weird and that you’re a total failure as an artist. THIS STEP IS MANDATORY! Now suck it up because you’ve come this far and the show must go on!

So grab yourself some more yellow and your Ruh Paul brush! NO NOT YOU MARIGOLD! We are done with your pretentious sounding name! Let’s see here, what do we have in our box…antique gold? Seriously? Ugh, I feel like all of my paints attend a private school and only wear clothes from a department store or something. Okay, sure, get your antique gold out and Ruh Paul it up!

Oh…hey that’s not half bad…okay yeah we can deal with that!

So now you let your demonic looking eye dry for once in its existence and move on to protecting your art! Bust out the…wtf is this stuff…maaaaj paaaj? Madge padge? Mawdj pawdj? Er, apparently it’s modge podge but my autocorrect DOES NOT like that combination of words so take it with a grain of salt. Anyways, take your modge podge (which I’m like 90% sure is just elmers glue judging by the smell and visuals) and slather it al over the freaking place like a freak! Really get it on there! I found it best to bust out the sports captain brush and to do two coats of this stuff. Extra pro tip: freaking out because it looks like you layered a film of donut glaze over your art, worrying that you ruined it, trying to dab off the excess with a paper towel only to discover that it clings to the surface of the modge podge and this covering your art with what looks like a layer of dandruff, and finally discovering that modge podge dries pretty clear is also a mandatory step.

So there you have it! Your perfect eye of Sauron. Now, what do you do with it?

…

Er

…

Heck if I know, I stuck mine here

What do you actually do with art? Can’t hang it on the fridge…wife will laugh at me if I try to keep it in our room…kids are terrified of it…

Ah screw it, I’ll just stick to writing.

Stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,

Stay grumpy!