The Grumpy Nerd Dad Survival Guide: Ch. 8

Chapter 8: Chill Out

Woah!

It has been some time since I’ve posted a survival guide post!  Odd since these are the things that I originally started my blog for.  However, my attention span is that of a four year old hyped up on starbursts while in unicorn factory where all the workers are dressed up like Olaf carrying nerf guns, so I may have gotten distracted along the way…

No matter!

Here we are again my lovely grumps! Thank you to all of my lovely readers for sticking with me thus far.  In case y’all didn’t notice, I’ve officially hit 100 followers!!!

That’s like 99 more than I thought I’d have when first starting!

With my one follower being myself of course!

Woot!!!

You are all amazing and you can expect a 100 subscriber special soon.  I mean, being in quarantine certainly has given me some more free time so I might as well, right?

Anyways, kids are…crazy.

They don’t listen, they like attention both negative and positive (with more of an affinity towards the former rather than the latter), they have an unlimited amount of energy, and they are in the stage of their lives where it’s hilarious to be deviants.

Absolutely hilarious.

So when our little monsters act up, how are we supposed to react?  This is a hot button topic for many, and truth be told I do not consider myself an expert on the matter.  But at the same time, I’m basically an idiot when it comes to everything and you guys are still here reading my advice, so why stop now?

We all have our go to’s when it comes to incarceration/sin reckoning when it comes to the little beasts, and I want to first declare the obvious yet VASTLY overlooked fact that ALL KIDS AND FAMILIES ARE DIFFERENT FROM ON ANOTHER!  WHAT WORKS FOR SOME MAY/PROBABLY WON’T WORK FOR EVERYONE!!!  TAKE EVERYTHING YOU SEE HERE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AND DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES!!!!!!!

*ahem*

Sorry

Had to get that out of the way.

Anywho!

So your little bundle of love and joy has just done a naughty! What oh what now are we to do?  Well, the problem I have faced as a stay-at-home dad is thus: my kids are smarter than me.  Like no joke. My daughter knows exactly what to say and do in order to get my goat and will intentionally do it in order to get a specific reaction out of me.  She thrives off of it!   She’s pure and innocent with the wonder of a child, yet possesses the cruelty and cunning of a sadist.

Let me just come out and say that I do not advocate for spanking or physical harm to a child.  Speaking as one who was spanked whenever I got into shenanigans as a kid, it did little to teach me what I did wrong and did a whole lot to be afraid of my parents finding out when I screwed up. Given that some parents may think this as effective parenting, I would however disagree. The goal of punishment IS NOT to make our children afraid of screw ups, but rather make aware of the fact that they did screw up and that this behavior is not acceptable.

How to go about this…er…good question.

BUT!

I do have some tips that I am willing to share with you lovelies if you’re willing to take them into consideration!

1) Take a deep breath!  You’re not you when you’re pissed off! You’re more likely to make rash and mean decisions when your wee one has pushed the right buttons. I know I am ready to take away all fun and privileges whenever my little tykes act up. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Many of us do, I get it, but we don’t want that to show!  Especially if your little one is a psychological terrorist like my daughter, it’s best to not show you angry as it will teach them how to get that emotion out of you. Sometimes they want that the little jerks! Some kids thrive on knowing where the boundaries lie. So take a deep breath! You’re not you when you’re angry!  Breathing?  Calm?  Cool?  Sweet, so now what?

2)  Warnings!  Sometimes a kid seriously doesn’t have the attention span needed to remember that they broke a rule.  Given that some things like smacking your brother across the cranium with a chair goes beyond not knowing what is right and wrong, some things are easily forgotten!  Calmly talk to your child and give them a stern warning before punishing.  “Timmy, you know that you’re not supposed to sneak cookies behind my back!  If you do it again, then you’re going to *insert punishment here.*” (that being said Timmy, I will personally take the heat from your parents if you share that cookie with me.  Just saying).

3) Reset!!!  Call it what you want!  Timeout, reflecting time, whatever it is I firmly believe in it.  Once a kid is warned and they willingly repeat the offense, it’s time to sit down and take some time to think about why you did what you did!  Have a designated sit down spot where they consistently go whenever they are being put in reset (as we like to call it) and set the timer.  I like to do a minute for every year old they are as it teaches them that I expect more out of them as they get older…or something.  After the timer goes off, go to the child and talk to them calmly.  EMPHASIS ON THE CALM PART AGAIN!!!  “Now Timmy, why are you in reset?  Right, because you took another cookie behind my back (and didn’t share it with our Supreme Leader, the Grumpy Nerd Dad).  I warned you about doing that, so it was your choice to not listen to me.”  After they have been lectured on the exact offense that landed them in hot water, apologize, give a hug to the hurt party, and carry on!

4)  DON’T REACT!!!  If you have a…spirited individual like my sweet little Princess, being put in reset is a cue for them to go bat $%&! crazy.  Kicking, screaming, tantrums like there was nothing ever so abhorrent presented to their little minds.  This is frustrating especially if they are screaming like a banshee after you put them in their reset place.  DON’T GIVE IN TO THEIR MIND GAMES FOLKS!  This is them trying to get attention again!  If you react in any way, they will nail it to their tiny little psychopath minds that THIS action got a reaction out of you and thus should be used in the future.  My rule of thumb during tantrums is thus:  unless they are in danger of hurting themselves or others, don’t even acknowledge it.

5) Keep at it.  Kids are jerks yo.  They most definitely will be repeat offenders and like to push their luck.  Be consistent!  Kids need solid concrete things to rely upon while they are developing their little jerk minds.  Knowing that consistently taking cookies behind their parent’s backs will land them in hot water will help develop the idea of “hm…I don’t really like being trouble and my loving guardian CERTAINLY doesn’t like it when I’m in trouble…so perhaps I shouldn’t do this thing that gets me in trouble?”  Stick to your guns!

6)  STAY CALM!  Yes, it’s that important where it comes up again at the very end of the ordeal.  Chill out and be the stoic figure of unyielding authority that your kid can depend on.

Well those were some of the tips I can offer to any of you who are interested.  Please tell me what works for you guys down below!  I love your comments and suggestions as it makes as giddy as a pig in the stinkiest of mud. 

Likes, comments, and subscriptions are always appreciated! And here’s a link to my new Facebook page that I occasionally post things on as I have not quite figured out this whole social media thing out yet: https://m.facebook.com/Grumpynerddad/?ref=bookmarks

So, until next time my lovelies, you know the drill!  Stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,

Stay Grumpy.