Insecurities

I think the biggest issue I had was getting over my preconceived notion that I had to go to work.

I mean, it all made sense on paper: My wife had the actual college degree and job offer, I had an undergrad and an extremely low paying job, she yearned to be out of the house and to be challenged mentally, I was mentally exhausted, it all just seemed to be falling into place!

But I was the man of the house dagnabbit! My dad took care of his family, my wife’s dad took care of his family, my grandpa took care of his family, EVERY FREAKING DUDE I KNEW WORKED HIS BUTT OFF TO SUPPORT THEIR FAMILY!

So what did that make me? A failure? I couldn’t provide for my family no matter how long and hard I worked. I searched for better jobs without cease day and night while slaving away at the lowest paying job imaginable, and yet somehow it just wasn’t enough. I felt horrible. I felt like I failed my family and was a poor excuse of a man. My best wasn’t enough and that was the end of it.

Now, looking back, it was such a silly thing to get worked up over since the financially smart thing to do was to have the person who makes more money go to work, but I grew up believing that it was a man’s responsibility to go to work to support his wife and kids. I thought that that was going to be my life as I grew up and, well, that was that. But I was suddenly slapped in the face by the idea that I was wrong and that I wasn’t meant to do that.

It was really hard to get over it.

At this time, my anxiety/depression was at its highest and I just couldn’t get over the dad shaming I put myself through. My kids were both just babies, and I felt like I was a bad dad.

A bad dad.

Because I was going to stay home with them.

What kind of messed up weird mentality is that? But I think a lot of people go through that! I’ve read posts from parents where they talk about the guilt they feel when they have to stay home or go to work as soon as a little one is introduced, and I at least feel some relief that I wasn’t the only one going through it. Why do we as parents decided to put ourselves down when we are doing the best we can for our kids?

I think it goes with my last ranting post where I talked about how terrifying it was to be a parent and how much they trigger our anxiety. We love these little monsters to death and are afraid of fudging it up, so we make up these weird scenarios where we’ve utterly failed them and put ourselves down in the process.

Well, stop it.

There’s enough stress that comes along with parenting without the self-guilt dragging us down. I eventually had to realize that I wasn’t a terrible father for staying home, you’re not a terrible mother for having to go to work, having to use formula doesn’t make you a bad parent, and only being able to afford clothes from Goodwill certainly doesn’t make you a bad parent either. At the end of the day, you sometimes just have to step back, ask yourself if your kids are healthy/happy, and, if they are, pat yourself on the back because you’re doing something right.

There is no clear cut role for a mother or father when it comes to parenting, so don’t beat yourself up for not fitting into a cookie cutter notion that was spawned before you even knew what you were getting into. Just keep your head up and do the best you can.

You’re awesome.

Well, that’ll wrap up this super emo/serious ranting. I wanted to included one of my doodles to lighten the mood since this post has a serious lack of my trademark humor, but I couldn’t honestly think of what to draw to go with this…so here’s a sloth riding a unicorn.

You’re welcome.

Anyways, thanks for sitting here and reading my ramblings once more. Worry not, I’m sure my next post will be my silly old self. Let me know your thoughts down below and I’ll do my best to respond to them as soon as possible. So, until next time my grumps, stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,

Stay grumpy.