Fishy Arm

Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you, and you were not color blind up until this very moment. The Grumpy Nerd Dad has gone colorful! Yeah, not too sure why I decided to pretty much splash a butt ton of MSPaint all over my doodles, but I kinda like the way it makes things pop. Plus, now you all knew important details about myself such as I’m blond

bet you were all just DYING to know that, huh? If you hate it, then don’t worry as chances are I’ll just give into my laziness and revert to the gray scale your eyes so adoringly love. If you do like the color, then let me know and maybe I’ll keep it around. On the other hand, if you despise it and want me to tear it down with divine fervor, then please inform me as well so I know to keep my world in the gray and dreary just for you!

At any rate, that title, huh? What in the name of Zeus and his mighty lightning bolts is a fish arm and why am I doing a story time about it? Well, if you haven’t heard, a fishy arm is one of the rarest and coolest animals that you may stumble upon in the harsh wilds known as…the zoo. Oh, you haven’t been to the fishy arm exhibit at your local zoo? Then boy howdy, are you missing out! Fishy arm is by far the most awesome thing we’ve ever seen and the real kicker is that it only emerged from its lair ONE TIME!

So this was about two years ago just before Rex was born. Our little Princess was a whole single year old and just loved animals. We were a wee bit worried what the new baby and shift in attention would do to our…shall we say…indulged Princess so we thought we’d take her to the zoo to have a Mommy-Daddy-Daughter date. Now of course we had been to the zoo before, but this was the first time we went when Princess was old enough to actually get excited about going. It’s hard to really appreciate the wonders of nature’s beasts when you’re swaddled up in a stroller with your only concern being about when you get to eat next and the massive storm you’re preparing to unleash in your diaper.

So Princess was stoked! Chirping and hooting in her car seat the entire way there, telling us all the animals she wanted to go see in her one-year-old jargon, and barely being able to be contained in the stroller when we got there! She was running around like the place was on fire! The elephants were cool, the tiger was pretty awesome, the sharks were freaking amazing (she was a tad bit disappointed that she couldn’t pet one), EVERYTHING WAS SWEET! However, her life changed when she came to the small fish tanks. When we walked by the…er…oxyl…axyl…how the actual heck do you spell this, ax, axol, axolotl??? I don’t know, this little freak of nature:

Gah! Just look at that thing! Proof that God has a a sick sense of humor sometimes! I hate the way it smiles at you! I’m not joking! This little nightmare smiles at you, look it up! I hate it’s little tentacle head things…it’s like straight out of some Lovecraftian horror story or something.

Anyways, we go to this little…horror’s tank, and my daughter meets her favorite animal at the zoo. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Awww, despite all the large and impressive animals she saw that day, her favorite was the smallest and slimiest thing they kept behind thick glass! How sweet!”

Uh, no, it wasn’t.

The oxl, axol, ugh this name is horrible, AXOLOTL wasn’t even in the tank that day. Instead, she saw it:

Yeah, a dude’s arm as he was cleaning the tank. That’s it. That’s her favorite animal at the zoo.

THAT THING RIGHT THERE was the pinnacle moment of her zoo experience. She was laughing and dancing for joy as it wiped down the glass and she kept pointing at it shouting “FISHEE AWM, FISHEE AWM!!!”

Fishy arm folks, the coolest animal at the zoo.

You can’t make this stuff up.

When her grandparents asked her how the zoo was and what her favorite animal was, her reply was simply “fishee awm! Fishee awm funny!” Fish arm is pretty darn funny I suppose. So there you have it folks! Always remember, if you’re a Larry who just cleans the tanks at the zoo or something, your job may be more impactful than you think. You just very well might be the coolest animal at the zoo to some random toddler. You rock Larry. Keep doing your fishy arm things.

The sad part was that we never saw fishy arm again! Whenever we’d go back to the zoo, Princess would get super excited about the idea of seeing fishy arm again, and we just never saw the mythical beast! We even sheepishly approached a zoo worker and asked when they typically clean the tanks as our daughter has traveled far just to see that event unfold. The look on the lady’s face was a mixture of “awww that’s kind of cute,” and “you do realize that we have actual animals here for her to see, right?” But alas, the elusive fishy arm has stayed aloof. Maybe someday it’ll grace our lives with its presence yet again.

At any rate folks, that’ll wrap up this story time today. Thank you for stopping by and giving me a piece of your time. What was y’all’s favorite animal at the zoo? I always loved the bears (and the beets, and the Battlestar Galatica. 100% classic reference there for the more cultured of you lot). I hope you all have an amazing Monday. Until next time: stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,

Stay grumpy.

(Oh, and if you aren’t already referring to manta rays as majestic sea flapflaps yet, then you should start now. Get woke people).