Chapter 6: Keeping That Flame Alive Baby!
Ever wonder what having kids does to your love life? Ever wonder what I can do to an all-you-can-eat buffalo chicken buffet? The two are pretty simpatico. I’m sure most of you can assume that your affection level with your partner takes a serious nose dive after introducing a few little ankle biters into the mix, and if you didn’t assume, then let me just spoil it for you: IT DOES! It’s not your fault, it’s not your partner’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault except for the patron god of exhaustion and naps. Is that an actual god? Hold on, gotta look this up…let’s see here…Hypnos? Isn’t that like a Pokemon or something? Well whatever, apparently it’s the God Hypnos’s fault that your love life might be tanking.
You and your partner probably will go through a bit of a funk after bringing new life into the house. You’ll go from flirty, adventurous, and outgoing to, well, basically you’ll both have the same energy level as a comatose sloth on melatonin. It’s okay! This is normal! You haven’t lost your flare, I promise! All your flare needs is a bit of…er…care and maintenance? How the heck do you care for a flare…this analogy kinda sucks. Flame? Yes, you gotta stoke your flame a little bit! That works a tad bit better. But why the sudden decline in passion and intensity you might ask? Simply put: KIDS ARE FREAKING EXHAUSTING! Pardon the rage caps, but I can’t stress that enough. They demand all of your attention and time from the second they are awake till the second they sleep with many hoops and obstacles you need to clear along the way. Remember when you and your partner could sleep in on a lazy Saturday, have a nice home cooked brunch, go for a long walk together and end the day enjoy a nice candle lit dinner? Well that’s not your Saturdays anymore mi amigo!!! Now your Saturdays consist of tantrums, tears, anxiety, and broken dreams.
With the sudden decline in affection, it may be a bit of a downer on most couples who are not expecting it. You may start to feel like things are going sour and that your relationship is in jeopardy, but hey, as long as you both honestly want that spark between the two of you, then your relationship isn’t in jeopardy! However, it may need a jump start or two.
The Grumpy Nerd Dad Survival Guide Tip # 6: Make time for your significant other.
It’s super easy to lose sight of special “you time” after the kiddies are introduced. Like I said, they sap out all of your time and energy. Not only that, but it becomes almost physically impossible to go out and do spontaneous things like you may have once did back in your kidless days. So you lack the time, energy, and capability to just go out and paint the town red (disclaimer: The Grumpy Nerd Dad in no way advocates painting a town any color with a contract from the city. Everything painted red seems kind of a bad pallet choice anyways) so you kinda gotta shake things up.
My wife and I had this idea when our little Princess was born where we would try and have a date once a week as to ensure that we were still making time for ourselves. And let me tell you IT WORKED OUT GREAT!…for like…the first two weeks…so like two dates. But then things started getting complicated, had to keep asking favors of her sister to watch our baby, was too tired to actually go and do anything beyond trying to stay awake in a movie, and one of us was usually super concerned and neurotically checking our phones to see if her sister had called or anything. In other words, date nights were just kinda lame. And then we had ANOTHER kid thrown into the mix! Oh yeah, once a week was not cutting it. Now I know you might be thinking: dude, you’re talking about your wife here! Surely you can’t be saying that making time for her once a week is too much to ask! To which I say: you are 100% correct, that is not what I’m saying at all (so stop putting words in my mouth you jerk). What I am saying is that your very idea of special time may need to evolve as a couple just as you ,as people, have evolved into parents.
Here are some quick tips I’ve learned throughout the years.
- First and foremost, recognize that you’re still dating. This may seem weird, but I feel like a lot of new parents fall victim to this including my wife and I at first. You just had your first kid, you’re super concerned about doing everything right, your every thought and fiber is bent around this little parasite-er-blessing that you just freaking love so much and you kind of forget that you and your partner are, well, partners. DON’T DO THIS! If it has already begun, then stop! If you are in a committed relationship with your partner, that does not stop just because kids are now involved. You’re still dating, you’re still a couple, you still need to make time for each other. It may be harder to do so, but it is vital to your relationship that you don’t forget that it’s an actual freaking relationship.
- The definition of quality time may have to be up to interpretation a tad. Me and my wife’s idea of a great time before having kids: Spontaneously taking a road trip to Portland and spending a weekend there. Our idea of a great time AFTER having kids: Being able to go to Homegoods and shop for curtains without the kids. I know, this sounds very defeating and I am in no way saying that you shouldn’t try to do actual fun and planned activities together. What I am saying is that your standards on dates may have to be…altered a bit. It’s super difficult/impractical to think that you and your partner can just drop everything and spend an evening out on the town when you got children involved. Albeit still important to go on actual dates with your other half, it helps if you come to realize that ANY time alone with them is quality time. Go on a walk together, go get ice cream together, watch a movie at home together, play a rousing game of hnefatafl together (yes that is a real thing), anything you do together can be considered a date if you want it to be.
- Don’t forget that your partner has needs. I get it, kids take up our entire focus and stamina. It’s easy to forget that your partner is, well, a human with needs after catering to a tiny and much much louder human with needs all day, but your partner is still a human with needs! They still have emotions and feelings that need some attention every now and then. To that extent, YOU are a human with needs as well. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that being needy to any degree is selfish or weakness. You both should make time for each other every once in a while to meet those needs whether they be emotional, mental, physical, or whatever it is you need to keep the engine a-moving at the end of the day which leads us to our next tip.
- Communication. Communication, communication, communication, I cannot say it enough, communication. It’s a phrase that is said so much that it’s practically cringe worthy at times, “communication is key.” So cliche, yet so true. Don’t bottle up your frustrations or feelings. You are partners, you are supposed to be there for each other, so you need to communicate effectively. Take the time to talk about your feelings as much as possible and express how things are going. Talk about what you need, what you want, what you think is working and what you think is not. On top of that, listen to what your partner is trying to tell you and (pardon, this part is so important that I am officially turning on the caps lock) DON’T TAKE WHAT THEY SAY PERSONALLY! Emotions run high, sometimes your partner may be venting to you in a way that’s a bit…abrasive. Just do your best to listen. Usually they aren’t actually upset with you, but they are upset and they’re venting to you because they need you to listen to them for a moment. Let them release some steam and try not to take it personal. I know this can be a bit hard if you’re a super sensitive person like me, but communication works much better if neither party feels like they need to walk on egg shells. You both need to talk. Plain and simple.
- Er, okay no other way around this, make…”special couple time” a priority. Don’t know how to talk about this in such a vague way that I can keep it somewhat PG13ish, but this is a thing! Physical affection DEFINITELY takes a major hit when kids come into the picture. Want to know one of the things that puts a strain on most relationships? Lack of physical affection. This is one of those things that need to be communicated and compromised with. Not every couple is the same of course and some are much better off with less special love time than others, but for the most part we need…er…physical attention once in a while. You are not selfish for wanting this! Just because you have kids doesn’t mean that you find your partner suddenly repulsive. You need to communicate as a couple and decide how to make this aspect still work and to what degree is it important to the both of you. It will take a hit, don’t go in thinking that things will be like the good ol’days of frolicking in the carnal meadows of BlissVille. I won’t dwell too long on this, but just remember: communicate, compromise, listen, and commit. That “listen” part kinda sticks out now…only thing on the list that doesn’t start with a “c.” Consider? That kinda works, sure. Communicate, compromise, consider, and commit. The four C’s of marital bliss!
- Expect change. I legitimately didn’t think about this until I was done writing this thing and had to come back and add it because it is that important. Chances are: you and your partner WILL NOT be the same people you were before! Kids change EVERYTHING! Things your partner cared about or things that drove them may alter. Best example I could think of was when I was first married the pottermore site always sorted me into Hufflepuff, and after kids it always sorts me into Gryffindor. That’s right, having kids turned a life long Hufflepuff into a Gryffindor! And that’s straight from pottermore folks, that’s like gospel. But anyways, my point being your partner is going to change in some aspect. “Parent” isn’t so much of a title as it is a personality trait. You both are going to be different to some degree, so you may need to get to know the new yous in order to keep the ball a’rolling. Discuss and discover this newly awakened partner of yours! Change doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Did I mention communication? Because if I didn’t, then may I just say that you need to communicate with each other to figure out what’s new with the both of you.
- Finally, and probably the most important, relax! As long as you both still hold a flame for each other and honestly want to keep it lit, then you’re going to be okay in my book. Don’t think that you are failing as a couple just because things aren’t the way they used to be because, quite frankly, things are NOT the way they used to be. Kids change things…a lot. Not only is your day to day different, but your love life is now different. Change is a good thing though if you can adapt to it. What you are going though is normal and you are not a failure for feeling it. Just remember, communicate and listen to each other. You are a couple, you are parents, you are a team, you are freaking rockstars!
Well I hope some of that makes sense to you guys. I know, I am in no way a professional couple’s councilor and have no expertise in the field, but I am a blogger posting his thoughts on the internet so it KINDA makes me an expert, right? Is that how it works? Can I like…get my certificate sent in the mail or something or do I gotta pick it up? No certificate? Crap, really looking forward to that. All jokes aside, you and your partner are still dating even if you have kids. Don’t forget: just like you made a commitment to each other when you first started dating, you have a commitment when you have kids. Try to have your relationship evolve and become stronger as this new experience is introduced to you. I think the overall tip I can bestow upon you is simply: as long as you both want to make it work, things will work. Every couple is different, everyone has different needs, everyone farts (that part isn’t as important, but I was trying to figure out a way to sneak a fart joke into here somewhere. You’re welcome). Talk to each other and don’t lose sight of what made you want to start a family with this person in the first place. Remember: poopy diapers and screaming babies are only temporary, but love can last forever. Ain’t that poetic or something? Pretty much the next Robert Frost over here.
Anyways, that wraps up chapter six y’all. Thanks for stopping by and checking me out. I appreciate each and every one of you and am glad if I could at least put a smile on your face today. Feel free to share your thought on the matter down below. So, until next time folks: stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,
Stay grumpy.
The Grumpy Nerd Dad 