The Grumpy Nerd Dad Survival Guide: Ch 3

Chapter 3: Picking at a Pair of Picky Picker’s Pickings

Man, does that “3” up in that doodle looks freaking weird to you? It looks like it got in a fight down a dark alley of New Jersey, got all bent out of shape, couldn’t really afford to go to the hospital, so he had his uncle Lewis down at the vets office stitch him back up. Poor dude.

Anyways, welcome back my lovely grumps to chapter three of “The Grumpy Nerd Dad Survival Guide.” Last chapter we talked about the Golden Rule (y’all better have been on top of your laundry since last we spoke!) and also tip #1. We kinda delved into “the feels” territory last time, and truth be told we may kinda dip in there a bit today as I talk about taking parental advice. But first and foremost, let’s talk about the preamble to tip #2.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I am not the brightest of dudes. Like yeah, there is a “Nerd” in the “Grumpy Nerd Dad” title, but Nerd doesn’t necessarily mean smart. All it means is I’m ready to throw down some Star Wars trivia with anyone at anytime. Now I’m not saying I’m dumb…well…not entirely. What I am saying is that I’m stubborn, hardheaded, and, y’know, grumpy. Essentially, I am a Neanderthal roaming around doing my cavemen things. Chucking spears at mammoths, riding dinosaurs, eating comically oversized dino-steaks, the good life! So how does Neanderthal Grumpy Nerd Dad solve his problems? Well, I put together this handy visual to aid you along my thought process. Ladies and gents, grumps of all ages, I present the 100% full proof (sometimes) flow chart of solving problems the Grumpy Nerd Dad way!

Feel free to utilize this in your daily lives (cheetah skin tunic is mandatory, can’t stress that enough).

So this has served me well my entire life right up into marriage/fatherhood. It’s easy to be stubborn and blunt when it’s just you doing you stuff, but when someone who’s smarter and more cunning than you are is thrown into the mix, this doesn’t go so well (and I’m NOT just talking about my wife).

Enter dinner time with my three year old.

I find it perplexing that my little Princess used to eat absolutely everything we put in front of her. Eggs, cheese, vegetables, absolutely anything we ate she would consume too with a supreme lack of prejudice. However, that all changed when the dark times started. Our Princess turned 2! It’s like she flipped a switch in her head, and decided “huh, I hate everything that’s not cake.” It gets frustrating when she’s refusing to eat while her brother revels in his feasting.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE TABLE…

So, how did I try to solve this problem? I tried to caveman the situation with unwavering and unflinching determination. “No Princess, you need to eat your food because I told you so.” “If you’re too full for dinner, you’re too full for dessert.” “Your daddy worked very hard on this dinner and it wouldn’t be nice if you didn’t try it.” “PRINCESS, THERE’S STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA AND SOMEHOW YOU EATING YOUR DINNER SAVES THEM!!!” (I know, it’s amazing that the last one didn’t work.) Essentially, I was trying to tackle the problem head on and “smash with rock” for say.

Spoiler alert: it never worked.

Princess would see my stubbornness and raise it two fold! Not to be outdone by my cantankerous three year old, I increase it three fold! This goes on and on for a while and there are no winners. Just losers…losers and hurt pride…and cold peas.

Well, let me tell you about a little someone called my sisters-in-law. I sometimes think that it’s unfair because my wife’s sister is a behavioral/speech therapist so my children have been getting attention that would normally cost us like a hundred smackaroonies per “auntie play date.” Anyways, one day she comes forward with an idea to help.

Therein lies my problem.

I have an issue taking advice on my parenting (and yet here I am giving advice on parenting. Does that make me a hypocrite, or just self-aware?). I’ve always felt like I’m the parent, I’m with them all day everyday so OBVIOUSLY I know what’s best for them. While this is true to an extent, that doesn’t mean that we don’t need help from time to time. Look, no one knows your kids quite like you do. We are their parents after all! It’s very aggravating/hurtful sometimes when someone tries to give their two cents worth because a part of us feels like they’re questioning your ability to parent. I can speak from personal experience when I say that, although not all parental advice is given with selfless love and consideration, we should at least listen to it when it is.

So what was her fix to my picky little eater?

The Grumpy Nerd Dad’s Survival Guide Tip #2: Eating Charts

Yup, eating charts. Let me explain. Super-Auntie-Cupcake-Duchess-Supreme (we’ll just call her auntie) came up with the idea of making realistic goals for Princess to visually see. Instead of me demanding that she eats ten bites of her food, Auntie grabbed a dry erase board (yeah we had one of those laying around. The joys of having a math nerd in the house) and made some boxes on it. For example: 5 boxes for bites of chicken, 5 for her broccoli, and 3 for her bread with a picture of what she’s working for at the bottom (typically a popsicle not gonna lie). At first I was skeptical. How do boxes convince the most stubborn being on the planet (please note that this trait does not come from me. I am guiltless dangit!) to eat when she won’t even listen to me WHO IS SUPREMELY RIGHT! (Ok maybe she gets a tad from me). But, lo and behold, it worked.

According to Auntie, kids having a physical goal in front of them better motivates them. Just thinking that they have five more bites makes it seem impossible to the hilariously finite expectations of toddlers, but SOMEHOW seeing it makes all the difference! And keep in mind that you don’t even have to do a sweet as the motivator. The prize for finishing can be something along the lines of personal time with mommy/daddy, getting to pick what game y’all are going to play that night, or I’ve even bribed Princess with doodling her and mommy on the white board (which is the reason I decided to use my terrible doodles on this blog, so you guys have Auntie to thank for that). Be creative, find something that motivates them, and give them physical goals to fill in. That’s the pro tip for you guys today.

Keep in mind that we still have our ups and downs, but now we basically use an eating chart for every meal she refuses to eat. It doesn’t matter if they eat the whole thing (despite those starving kids in Africa). They just need to eat a realistic and achievable amount. Heck, I even remember seeing this on Nanny 911 and if a certified behavioral therapist AND a British nanny on television says that this stuff is legit, you know it’s LEGIT!

But at any rate, that’ll wrap it up for tonight my lovelies. Tune in next time for some intense pro tips that can only be spewed out by the all mighty Grumpy Nerd Dad…I miss you guys already…call me.

Until next time, stay classy, stay safe, and, above all else,

Stay grumpy.