The Grumpy Nerd Dad Survival Guide: Ch 2

Chapter 2: The Golden Rule

Wow, may I just take a moment to say thank you so much for the views y’all! Like, ya don’t even know how little attention I expected these things to get. I’m currently sitting at 50 views!…what?…ok ok I know that it’s a pretty silly thing to get excited about, but I was as giddy as thirteen year old me inside of a GameStop! 50 views! That’s like…hang on…gotta like, bust out the abacus for this kind of math…hm…yup, that’s precisely 50 times the amount of views I thought I’d have. (Fun fact, my wife likes to lovingly remind me whenever I’m struggling with numbers that arithmetic is not REAL math. Glad to see the fake stuff can still kick my booty). But honestly, thanks guys for checking me out and for the likes I got on chapter 1. Here’s an accurate depiction of how I handled getting my first like:

Don’t worry, it was mostly dry wall.

But at any rate, I thought it was time for me to get on with my thoughts about parenting and the hardships that come with it. First I’d like to say that being a parent is absolutely terrifying. There’s not a thing in the world that can prepare you for it. Like, before I met my wife, I lived with my sister and her two boys. I was uncle of the year to those boys! I’d let them jump on my bed, swing from trees, even let them play with my sword collection from time to time (er, pretend like you didn’t just read that sis). I often thought “yeah, I got this thing down! These boys love me! Being a dad is gonna be so easy.” Uhhhhhh wrong. Now I got two of my own, and if either one of them so much as stands up on a chair I have to call my doctor to up my losartan dosage (y’know, I didn’t have high blood pressure until becoming a dad! Coincidence?).

I was blindsided by how much I’d freakout about the little every day things. Is their room too chilly? Did they get enough to eat before bed? Did I OVER feed them and are they now going to explode? Is that a normal cough or do we now have an outbreak of the plague in our house? Is that plane I hear overhead going to lose power and crash down on us (I wish I can say that the last one isn’t an actual fear of mine)? It’s super weird what stuff worries you when it comes to your children. I know that most of you might consider me a bit manic and that I should be strapped to a pump dispensing anti-anxiety meds at all times, but that’s just what kids do to you sometimes. You got to stay on your toes and try to preserve the special little drool buckets that you and your spouse spawned. So how do you do it? How do you parent in a way that’s protective yet not hovering, strict yet fun, and in a way where you STILL get a life afterwords? It’s a toughie, let me tell you.

One more thing before I get into my first parenting tip: I am not trying to tell you guys how to parent. I am in no means an expert as most of my ways of handling situations come from watching Nanny 911. I just want to tell you what works for me, share a few stories that’ll hopefully give you a chuckle, and, fingers crossed, lighten up your day a tad. I mean, who doesn’t need a day lightening? It’s like a little virtual hug…from a complete stranger…(shhhh don’t make this awkward). So don’t in any way take this as me telling you how to live your life or how my parenting is superior to anyone else’s. I am but a humble grump who wishes to speak his mind…like I am super humble…the most humble!

So what is the first tip of survival according to the wise Grumpy Nerd Dad? Well, it is of the upmost importance as you might have guessed! I mean, ya don’t get to be number one unless you are so freaking important that the rest of the tips have to follow behind and stare at your derrière. I believe in this tip so much that I live it on a daily basis. Look, I plan to talk about some deep stuff here on the classy survival guide penned by a Grumpy Nerd Dad. Things like anxiety, depression, exhaustion, loneliness and so forth are on my list. But none of those, I’ll repeat, NONE OF THOSE are as dire as tip number one. Have I stoked your interest? Ready? Can I milk this for longer than I already have? Okay, here it is. The first tip that I can give to you, my reader, is:

DON’T

SKIP

ON

THE

LAUNDRY!!!!

No no no, hear me out! You go through A LOT of laundry when you throw some kiddos into the mix! Kids are disgusting! Everything they eat becomes a part of their outfit, muddy puddles become a game of “I wonder how fast daddy’s reflexes are today,” and don’t even get me started on what my wife and I refer to as a “code brown.” On top of that, messy kids usually means that your choice pair of expensive jeans and nice buttoned up shirt are fair game for second hand stickiness. Throw in bed sheets, pillows, and the dog using their beloved stuffed animal as a slobber toy while you were away, and laundry’s practically a daily occurrence! So yes, sometimes it’s tempting to skip on the laundry even just for one day. Sometimes you just wanna say “eh I’m not really feeling it,” curl up in bed once the kids go down for a nap, sip on a Diet Coke with Splenda, and catch up on the latest GMM.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!

This is a trap devised by the devil himself to torment our poor naive souls! Let me explain: laundry is sentient. I know, it sounds crazy, but you gotta believe me! What’ll happen is the second the laundry detects that you gave it a day to fester, it multiplies. I am dead serious. It’s like a freaking amoeba just waiting to cover more surface area! What was once a normal pile of clothes for you to wash and fold is now a daunting foe ready for the challenge. And you just can’t ignore it again, or else you’ll get to the point where your spouse has nothing to wear to work except for that one old t-shirt that they haven’t worn since when you guys were dating that still has that big stain from that one time they tried making shrimp scampi for you (you know the one). It then rules the house. You have lost control of the situation, and the laundry beast is not a merciful soul. So please, stay on top of laundry and don’t let it spiral into something beyond your capabilities.

……..

What?

I’m telling you that this is the definitive tip that I can give you! Not satisfied? Ugh, fine! I will move on to the next tip which shall hence forth be promoted to number one! However, the laundry tip is no joke. So I hereby decree that it has been exalted above the numerical tips I have prepared and shall hence forth be called “The Golden Rule.” And so it shall be!

The Grumpy Nerd Dad’s Golden Rule: Don’t skip on the laundry.

Ok, but real talk here for a second. I know I am a bit of a goof and I hope that you guys have been enjoying my witty banter so far, but tip number one is something that I really do feel needs some “serious business” time. Don’t worry, I will try to still make it entertaining and will return to my silliness in no time. So let’s get on with it.

The Grumpy Nerd Dad’s Pro-Tip #1: Never Stop Telling Yourself That You Are Awesome

Ok yeah, it’s a bit cheesy I will admit. But at the same time this is something they most of us take for granted. This goes beyond me giving tips to parents. This is something that we all need to do every once in a while. No matter if you are a parent reading this or someone else, we all have our struggles. Life is hard! Student loan debt, mortgages, exams, loss of loved ones, and sometimes even just going through a rough patch wears us all down little by little. It’s easy to forgot how awesome every single one of us are. I know this sound like some kindergarten “you’re all special” stuff, but sometimes the simplicity of the kindergarten stuff is just what we need to make it to the end of the day.

So listen to me reader. You! Yes you! YOU ARE AWESOME! There’s only one you and nobody can do it quite the way that you do. I know that sometimes we can lose sight of this. I struggled with depression in different stages of my life and would constantly undermine how awesome I was. We all do it! We like to kick ourselves while we are down! “Ugh I’m such a loser, why don’t I go out more?” “Man I’m so dumb, I’ll never figure this class out.” “If I weren’t so weird, maybe someone would want to be with me.” STOP IT! That stuff is destructive and only serves to weigh you down. Always remember that there’s a fine line between being self-critical and being a big old jerk to yourself. Life is hard enough without that kind of weight on our shoulders.

So that’s my first tip: keep telling yourself how awesome you are. Try to catch yourself when you’re putting yourself down and instead say, “nah, y’know what? I am awesome! I am wonderful in my own way. I am unique and special even if nobody wants to appreciate it. I’m…I’m…I’M A FIRE-BREATHING-GRIZZLY-UNICORN-DRAGON-BEAR!”

You can’t put something that awesome down.

Like I said, it’s silly at first, but I definitely needed to tell myself that I’m awesome quite a few times when the days were hard. Being a parent is hard. Being a human is hard. But all of us are awesome in so many ways. So tell yourself that repeatedly. Make it your motto. Don’t stop there, tell your loved ones that they’re awesome because sometimes we all need to hear it from someone else in order to believe it. And hey, if you don’t think that you have someone in your life that thinks you’re awesome, then that’s just not true. I think you’re awesome! That’s right, The Grumpy Nerd Dad thinks that you personally are worthy of the awesome thumbs up!

If you’re ever in the dumps and need to hear it from someone, feel free to read that masterful piece of art up there.

Well that’ll wrap up chapter 2 guys. Thank you all for your likes and views. They mean more to me than you can imagine. In the next chapter, we will discuss how to juggle the chaos that is entertaining/surviving your little ones on a daily basis. I look forward to seeing you. So, until next time, stay classy, stay safe, and, above else,

Stay grumpy.